Steps
by Genuhsis
Summary: Set after Surrender Benson, follows the timeline very loosely. Bensidy to start, moves into E/O I don't own
1. Anger

He sat down in his apartment and simply stared at the wall. Part of this New Elliot program was trying to make amends to those around him. He began with those more inclined to listening and forgiving him. He began with his kids and was surprised at just how understanding they could be. They had truly grown up to become amazingly wonderful adults, no thanks to him of course. The next person on his list was the very reason he had great children, Kathy. She forgave him enough to allow him to see Eli on the weekends. From there on he would begin on some of the easier friendships and partnerships he held. His mother was the next person on the list, and so when they began to talk, he kept reminding himself New Elliot was a more understanding person, he had to be. This phone call had lasted an hour over from where he wanted it to go. She began telling him about the new shops along the boardwalk and it went downhill from there. 1:56, he looked at the timer on his phone and finally he was able to get a word in-between the first moment of silence he'd been given.

_Mom, this has been great. I actually have to get going though._

He heard a sigh, and then in a slow and almost cautionary voice he heard his mother say something so unexpected, he was still mulling it over now, hours later.

_Okay well, I'm glad you're working through your issues Elliot. You're such a good boy, and I'm really glad you are finally living for you. I can only hope you and Olivia find better ground this time around, I'm not a fan of this new boyfriend of hers._

He hadn't asked, he wanted to, but was so shocked that he surprised himself when he simply told his mother he loved her and hung up.

And now here he was, sitting alone in his apartment staring at his wall.

He wanted to ask why Olivia was talking to her, why she didn't like the new boyfriend, who the new boyfriend was. How long they'd been together. Had his mom met him? Why was she meeting Olivia, if she'd met them both?

Even in his own thoughts, the most important question is the one he couldn't bring himself to ask. _How was she? _He hated how even in his own mind he was a coward. He wanted so much to be there for her, but he couldn't, not while his was this toxic.

He took a drive, absentmindedly ended up at her place, of course. Somehow, when he wasn't plaguing himself with demons, he found her to be his center. Anytime he panicked, he imagined her hand holding on to his gently, her eyes lovingly bringing him back. Now here he is, looking up into her window. The lights are off, and he looks at the clock. 11 PM, she might have caught a case, maybe she's asleep, maybemaybemaybe. He suddenly hates how he doesn't know anything about her life, about what is going on with her. He slams his fists into the steering wheel, and the honk it produces earns him a few glances from people walking by. He looks back up, lights stay off. He takes a minute for his New Elliot breathing exercises, and he finally begins to merge back into the street_._

_I can't keep doing this _he repeats to himself as he watches the lack of lights from within the building. He hasn't seen her, and he feels something is off. He's been here every night this week, no sign of her. He suddenly feels like a stalker, and wills himself to merge out, drive back home. He feels something is off, and he can't shake it, so instead of his apartment he drives to the precinct and waits. Technically, he chuckles to himself, this is home. That's when he sees them, he sees Cassidy and huffs without meaning to. He sees him put his arm on her lower back, guiding her into the seat, and he feels the anger boiling up inside of him. His phone rings and it jerks him out of his anger, he answers without looking. "Stabler"

_Hey dad, uhm, how are you?_

It's Kathleen, he smiles and for a brief moment loses track of the outside world.

_Hey, what's going on?_

_Dad, are you okay? I mean, you haven't exactly been replying to our messages._

_Yeah, I'm fine Kathleen. What's going on?_

And suddenly he hears a deep sigh, and the line becomes so silent he looks at the screen to make sure he didn't drop the call.

_We're just a little worried dad. You haven't exactly talked to Liv since the kidnapping, and we know that you want to. We just want to make sure you're okay._

When did his kids grow up so much? Become so understanding? Where was he? Oh, right, he sighs into the phone and makes a right while he's following the car. He knows exactly where he was, it's exactly where he is now. Always at a distance, with them and with her.

_I'm fine. I'm working up the courage to talk to her, so we'll see how it goes. I promise that I'm fine. And I'm still up for dinner Saturday. Promise._

Kathleen lets out a breath, soft and cautious. He doesn't understand why everyone feels the need to be cautious around him. They say their goodbyes and hang up as he double parks, watching Cassidy park and then walk around to open the door for her. Suddenly he feels an ache in his heart, he doesn't know this Olivia. This, open the door for me and hold my hand while we walk into our place Olivia. He sits in this double park and works on his New Elliot breathing.


	2. Temper

Brian and Elliot consider talking

I don't own the characters, and this is with no Beta.

It had now been a month since he'd stopped following her. He followed her for two weeks after they found her, it was his own way of protecting her. Being near her, without actually reaching out. It felt terrible, he felt like a stalker and so he found himself only following her home. Never during the day, never waiting until morning. Only enough to know she had someone, even though it wasn't him. He followed her to what he assumed was Cassidy's, and he only followed her when he wasn't with her. When she went home by herself, he waited until Cassidy came home. After the second week, he found it easier to stay away, knowing that she had someone, that and it was going to become a problem if he kept seeing Cassidy kiss her. It wasn't helping this whole New Elliot resolution he had going on if one day he walked out of his car and sucker punched him for kissing her. That's not how he wanted their first encounter in years to be.

It had been an accident, and he cursed himself for being so careless. He went to their favorite diner, what else was he expecting. He almost wondered if it was his subconscious that had brought him here, so close to her. He grabbed his coffee and froze because he could feel her behind him. She laughed, carelessly and he felt a thud. He almost thought she'd hit him, until he heard her laughing lightly,

_You definitely owe me a million trips to a million museums now._

He stepped aside and heard her sharp inhale, he froze knowing he'd been caught. As he began his turn, he clutched his coffee cup and almost split the Styrofoam. He caught her from the corner of his eye, and saw Cassidy move her aside from the line, away from him.

_Hey baby, it's okay._He heard Cassidy whisper to her and embrace her fully. As he turned he found himself facing Cassidy across a row of people, unable to comprehend what happened. With narrow eyes, Cassidy stared him down for a brief second before he closed his eyes and continued to hug Olivia in a tight embrace. Elliot felt a panic wash over him before he let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding in, and slowly made his way out of the diner.

He stopped outside and dropped the coffee into the trash, gripping onto the edge of the metal trash can for support, his knuckles turning white. He felt his head spinning, and suddenly his ache for her is seemed too much to bear. It's one thing to see them across the street, the metal of his car a buffer between them. Between Olivia's scent, her sound and Cassidy invading her personal space, a space that took him years to creep into without scaring her away, he'd lost control.

He felt betrayed, and he wasn't sure if it was just male pride. He needed to reevaluate what he was doing.

It honestly surprises him, it shouldn't or maybe it _should_ but he's not so sure anymore. Cassidy sits across from him, doesn't wait for an invitation and doesn't look like he's about to play nice. Serious adult face, it suits him, and it catches Elliot off-guard. He's done some growing, and Elliot finds himself wondering how everything went to wrong.

Cassidy sighs heavily, puts his hands on the table and starts to talk, his words slow and clearly tempered.

_She uh, she's doing good. She's strong, but uh, you know that. So there's no real need to worry. We're uh, uh well we're moving past it._

_We_ huh, Elliot should expect it. It's a blow, a slow hurt that he knows will linger. It shouldn't matter, but it does, and it annoys him. He can see him struggling to form words, and Elliot understands that his silence is the only thing he's got over Cassidy right now, so he sits in silence.

Brian pauses, carefully spacing his words, almost as if it's become a threat.

_We're going to move past this, together._

Elliot flinches, and Cassidy smirks. It's not a subtle move, but nothing with him ever was. His need to be near Olivia, his lack of subtly over what he wanted with her, what he thought they were. He feels his anger rise, and then slowly subside and he remembers that he and Olivia have 12 years, while she and Cassidy can barely string two or three, put together over the years.

Elliot gets up, he throws some cash on the table and in the same swift motion, grabs his coat. As he's slinging his coat over his right shoulder, moving past Cassidy, he feels him get up. He doesn't turn, but simply begins to move out of the diner, his way of telling Cassidy that he's done with this conversation. Out in the parking lot he's putting his key in the door when he hears him running, standing behind him, as he goes to unlock his door, Cassidy steps to his right, peripherally he can see him, and he's just about had it. His jaw locks, and he's brimming with an insult as he turns to face him.

_We're moving in together, a place we can start fresh. So, stop following her because I'm pretty sure that if I ask, she wouldn't want you to know where our new place is._

This time it's not a slow burn, it's a sharp pain and he realizes that it isn't internal. Suddenly he's swinging, and he misses the first time, but he goes to swing again and hears the contact that his fist makes with Cassidy's jaw. He see's blood and steps back, and in his anger, he's confused about what's going on. Cassidy is moving back, arms up in a defensive pose, but he's laughing. He clenches his jaw, and squares up, ready to fight. Cassidy lets out another hearty laugh, one that comes straight from his stomach, one that doesn't match the situation. Elliot steps forward, and Cassidy drops his arms. He turns to walk away, chuckling and grabs his keys as he gets into his own car.

_I'm serious, if she wanted to talk to you, she would have called. Would have made any sort of mention, but it wasn't your name she said in the hospital. It was mine, mine. _

Elliot stands there, not trusting himself to move. He stands there for a while, after Cassidy gets into his car and drives, he stands there as it begins to drizzle, and he finally gets in and puts his car into drive. He finds himself circling the precinct block, and for the first time in a long while, he feels his heart hurt.


	3. Coffee

Olivia and Elliot try their own luck at conversation.

NOTES: Obviously, I don't own them. And I have no stake in Billy's Coffee Shop, it's only ad plot here is that it's near Police Plaza. I'm trying to get you chapters as quickly as I can think em, promise!

Chapter Text

_You up?_

And of course, he is, and of course she knows he's awake. It's almost a game after all these years, and both their batting average is phenomenal. If she's ever been asleep, she's never told him so. The only times he's called and gotten her deliciously seductive half asleep, "Benson" have been when they've caught cases, and in that situation, he was also asleep when the shrill ringtone woke him. Asleep enough, he always wagered, that thinking her voice being seductive was a trick from his half-asleep mind, an easy way to play it off.

He's not sure how to answer, and he was almost expecting this text message weeks ago when he sent Cassidy home with a bruised face. He'd circled the precinct that day hoping to catch her before she went home. He ended up driving back to his apartment after two circles. This wasn't who he was, and it sure as hell wasn't someone he wanted to become. He went back to his place to regroup, to evaluate the situation.

And now here he was, almost three weeks later at 2 am with a cryptic text from Olivia. To any other person, this wouldn't have been a big deal. Two words, and a simple yes or no reply with no weight behind it. This wasn't any other person though, and these words, like the thread that held behind it was _heavy_. He willed himself to keep her text thread in his phone, despite the hurt it caused him to see her grey bubbles flooding in. Hours turned to days, which turned to weeks until one day the messages stopped coming in. The only reason he kept this thread alive, kept her memory so fresh in her hurt, was to remind himself that this was toxic. He had to fix who he was, before he could move forward with what he wanted. He needed to be in a place where Olivia and Elliot existed together because of want, and not just need.

He closes his eyes and drags his hand over his face, sighing heavily. He types in _yes _and lets it linger before he turns his phone around and closes his eyes.

_I can see your bubbles, that's how iPhones work you know._

He chuckles, and it's light and airy and he instantly misses this, misses them. He hits send and waits for her reply. He stares at his screen, knots in his stomach. He awaits her reply, watches for those bubbles. Five, ten, twenty minutes pass and no reply, no attempt at it either. Suddenly he finds his eyes heavy and tries to open them. He fell asleep, and 2 am turned into 4, and he looks around for his phone. Upside down, across his pillow, he launches at it and turns it around, checking for her reply. None, his stomach turns, and his heart begins to hurt. He unlocks his phone, in case his phone made a mistake, or he fell asleep as the alert came through. He sees their thread, no reply on her end and out comes a breath he was keeping, a sharp almost painful exhale. He doesn't understand what's happened, and he doesn't know if he should try again.

He gets up, walks into his bathroom and runs the water in the sink. He wishes this wasn't so hard, so heavy and intense. He wishes he could just text her, and she could just reply. He runs the water over his face and dries off. And he turns off the light, he stands in his bedroom. He isn't sure what to do, what to say. He's so tired of this, of questioning every move, of rethinking every word, examining every outcome, and always coming back full circle in distress. He thought leaving the precinct would help, that somehow his departure would begin some sort of magical healing. Instead he found himself cooped up with most of his kids gone, and his heart hurt when he realized that Eli would be the only one of his children who had a father full time.

He sees the light on his phone and walks over to it. As he dips himself into the bed, he opens the message and feels a hitch in his breathing.

_Billy's Bakery, 6am._

He was nervous, and began getting ready as soon as he replied, _I'll be there. _He tried on three different shirt and jean combinations before he realized that he needed to stop by the PI office at noon. As he stood before his full-length mirror, he chuckled at himself, in his darkest and most fitted suit. All this fuss to see her, who had he become? He grabbed his keys and made his way out the door, it was a quick drive, the coffee shop was a few blocks from the precinct and even with traffic it would be less than half an hour.

He found parking almost immediately and took it as a sign of good luck. Maybe things were turning around, and even if he wasn't where he wanted to be with himself, maybe she would be open to growing with him from here on.

As soon as he walked into the coffee shop he saw her and gave her a small smile. She looked at him and gave him this goofy grin that he'd never seen before. As he reached her table, he gave a _Hello _that was more whisper than an actual greeting. She put her hand across the table, and he took it as he sat.

_I ordered you a coffee. You still take it the same way?_

Of course, she would be fine, of course she wouldn't let on that they hadn't seen or spoken to each other in years. That's probably why she picked such an open place to meet him, she had changed but he still knew the core of her.

_Yeah, uh same way. Cassidy huh? I thought uh, I thought that was in the past._

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. He didn't know where that came from, and he could tell his face had turned to pure panic. To the outsider, it wouldn't have been a change, but this was Liv and she could read him like no one else ever could. Fuck. He noticed a hitch in her breathing, but her eyes remained on him, unmoving. He felt his stomach drop, he couldn't gage her, couldn't read her expression.

_Yeah, Brian. He's been there for me through a lot. I think, I think I wasn't ready before for what he offered. I'm in a different…_she moves both her hands and gestures at the length of the table, pulling away their from only means on physical contact, _space. Different part of my life, and It's a part that is ready for what he is, what he offers._

She is so open with him, despite the time and the heaviness of the situation. Just as he opens his mouth to say something, they call her name up front and she gets out of her seat and makes her way over. He's thankful for the break in conversation, if you could call this a conversation he thinks. He's in uncharted territory and this isn't going the way he'd hoped. He's not sure where he thought this conversation would go, but this sure as hell wasn't it. She comes back, drop his coffee in front of him and sits back down, he looks her dead on and once again can't quite make sense of the expression on her face. She drinks her coffee and looks out the window and the people passing by, she doesn't push or pry, she gives him time. It's a welcomed distraction to watch the people walking, and he can't help but be in awe of her. He's the one who pushed her out, who gave her no closure and yet here she is, willing and waiting for him to talk. She's a far better person than he ever was, he's always thought that about her. He's always wanted her to know but couldn't find the right words in the messiness that was their relationship.

_I didn't mean to jump on you like that. I'm not exactly sure where it came from. _

She nods but doesn't look at him.

_I've missed you Liv, and I know I did everything wrong but if you just…._he chuckles and it's heavy and gross, it fits the mood perfectly, _I'm just sorry. I want you to know that._

She nods, slower this time as if soaking up the words he's throwing in her direction. He sees her sigh, quiet but long. He can tell now, by the way her throat is getting stuck, that she's trying not to cry, but he still can't quite make out her expression. He wants to keep talking, hoping that maybe if he says enough she'll realize that he's trying to open up more, trying to be a better person. Trying to step out of this toxic bubble they built where it was hidden words and meaningful glances, and when it became too much it was angry words and unspoken apologies.

_How are the kids?_

Of course, she would choose neutral ground, something easy to try and keep it light. This is the same reason she's chosen to see him during a busy hour in a busy coffee shop. She's still not quite looking at him, she's looking past him and over his shoulder now and he grins thinking that the open and close of the door must be so interesting it's gotten her gazed fixated on it. He wants to make a joke about it, wants to keep it light. He doesn't though, he keeps the joke to himself.

_Everyone is good. They're all in school, adults just doing their own thing. For so long I worried about how they would turn out, but they're all in school and living good lives. Even Dickie, well Richard now, he's in school and he's doing great. I try and see them for dinner once a week to make sure everyone's on track. To keep us close. _He feels like he's rambling, even though the sentences are short, and she's still nodding so very slowly. Her phone vibrates, and she glances at it, he sees her eyes narrow and he sees the change in her breathing. He knows what's coming next, and knows she's still married to the job. He wants to keep talking, keep her there but it would be of no use.

_I've gotta go. It's, well you know, work._

She gets up, and he follows her, and suddenly the sound of the chairs moving back is harsh and cold. He steps aside, and he isn't sure if he should hug her or just move aside. As she puts her chair in, and steps to the side of the table he finds himself stepping forward and embracing her. He feels her fall into him for a split second, and feels the change in her breathing, the small gasp that her mouth betrays her in. He's suddenly lost in her scent and doesn't have time to adjust to the change as she hardens, straightens herself and pushes away from him with a louder than needed clearing of her throat. He goes to say something, but she's already around him and out the door before he can even begin to breathe again. .fuck.


	4. iPhones

SUMMARY: iPhones are funny business.

Disclaimer: Don't own, Dick Wolf does. Again, shameless plug due to location.

Eoeoeoeoeoeo

It's been a month now, to the day and he wonders if she knows this too. After the coffee shop he tried to text her, at first, he played it casual a quick _Hey_ the next day. No reply, cool okay, change approach. Elliot waited three days before the next message, and then it spiraled out of control.

_Text: Hey_  
_Text: Hey_  
_Text: Olivia? Liv?_  
_Text: I get it, I fucked up. I'm sorry._  
_[Call]_  
_Text: Is this payback of some sort? For the way I never responded?_  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_Text: Lesson learned Liv, just please reply._  
_[Call] _  
_[Call]_  
_[Voicemail]Liv, we can't keep hurting each other this way. If you just let me talk to you again, I can explain so much. I wasn't ready before and it would only hurt us. I would hurt us, and maybe I'm not really ready yet, but I just want to talk._  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_[Call]_  
_[Voicemail] /Heavy breathing/ Please answer me Liv._  
_Text: Olivia what the fuck please answer._  
_Text: Please._

And then he just waited, waited and kept moving forward with life. He'd spent so much time wrapped up in both his work and Olivia and making her wait. He hadn't known it then, and it took him over 13 years to realize it, in fact he hadn't realized it at all. Looking back now he sees it and wonders if he could apply for Kathy to receive Sainthood. She'd realized it before he had, and yet she let him play pretend. She'd let him live this lie until she couldn't bare it and when she finally broke, he hadn't understood it. They fought, they fought until they had fought about fighting and Elliot just stood in his living room dumbfounded.

He remembers that night clearly, the night Kathy asked for the divorce. All of his kids were out living their lives in the city, and Eli had gone over to his friends for the weekend. He was nervous about it, but Kathy reassured him that all of his kids had had sleepovers that young and he couldn't remember enough of their childhoods to dispute it. He wasn't sure why they were even fighting by the time they both stood, heavy breathing and angry whispers. They'd mastered fighting in hushed tones and Elliot can't explain or wrap his head around how it came to be this way. Instead they both stand at opposite ends of the couch, his breathing heavy and angry, hers now calm and steady. Through narrow eyes she finally whispers, _I want a divorce. I'm tired of living in misery because you want to be the good guy. I deserve better._

Elliot can't argue, can't fight it. He wants to, and everything in him tells him to do so. He goes to open his mouth but can't come up with a valid argument. He loves Kathy, she's the mother of his children and he loves her for so many reasons. He loves her for raising their children, for putting up with him. He loves her for balancing their checkbook, for buying their groceries. He loves her for being this strong independent woman, for being this amazing mother. He loves her, but as he looks into her eyes and sees her sadness, he understands that it's not fair to either of them. He loves her, but she wants someone to be _in love_ with her. He sees her standing there, calm and steady and realizes that she deserves someone to worship her in a way he can't. He goes to sit on the couch and she follows. After a while, he gets up and grabs two beers from the fridge, opening both and handing her one. She grabs the bottle from him and takes a slow sip, closing her eyes. He sits next to her again, and as he goes to take a sip he says, almost more to himself than to her, _I fucked up_. He hears her laugh, light and sure, _Yeah, well we both let it get here. It's not just you Elliot, we're both at fault and we're both full of Catholic guilt._

When they worked out everything and sat their kids down to explain the divorce, their second attempt at this, the kids took the news better. He was worried about the kids choosing sides, because it was a battle he would obviously lose, but sitting in his kitchen table surrounded by his family, he realized the strength and sense of balance that Kathy had instilled in their children. They each took turns explaining their feelings, and every single one ended up in the same conclusion, worded differently. They wanted their parents to be happy, and they wanted to keep being a family, it didn't matter if it meant their parents moving on. They were adults, they had the right to pick what made them happy, even if it wasn't each other. He truly owed everything to Kathy and understood why this divorce had to happen.

Now, he sat in his apartment and locked and unlocked his phone for what seemed to be the hundredth time.

_Coffee tomorrow? Same place, same time._

He wanted to say yes, he wanted to tell her he'd be there ready and willing, but somehow this felt off. This message gave him this sinking feeling in the pit of this stomach and he couldn't explain why.

He'd gotten there earlier than she had this time, so he ordered the coffees and sat down at the same table with them. And then he waited, stomach in knots.

She came in, and he took in the sight of her. She smiled and sat down, taking her coffee between both hands.

_It's freezing out there._

His cell phone rang, and he cursed it internally, pulling it from his pocket. It's an unknown number, so he hits the side button on his phone and lets it go to voicemail.

_Not going to answer it?_

He shakes his head and smiles again, he wasn't going to let her walk away so easily this time.

_I want to be here Liv, nothing is more important._

He sees her smile fade a little, and shift in her seat. Too much too fast Stabler, real smooth.

_Look, Elliot…_ Full name, okay he thinks, that can mean anything, _I just want to catch up. No hard feelings about the way we left things, it took me a long time to get it. Trust me, I'm not even sure I'm really ready for this. I have to try though, I've been seeing a therapist since…since…_Her eyes begin to pool with tears and his hands instinctively reach out to close around hers, and her coffee cup. She pulls away from him and brings the cup to her mouth before she whispers _the kidnapping_ and she takes a sip of her coffee.

He watches her, but let's her go at her own pace. Patience, it's a virtue he's learning and getting better at.

_It's uh, the point of this is…I just want to talk. I want us to be okay again._

He nods slowly and gives her space to talk. When he realizes that she's said her part, he brings the coffee to his lips and takes a sip before he begins to talk.

_I'm not good at apologies, and the way I left…. Well I was a dick, but we know that about me, don't we?_ He laughs, and she smiles slightly at him. He reads her expression, it's a sort of sad smile that hurts. He reaches out again, his hand freezing in between them, and she looks away.

_Liv?_

She hums, it's more toward the window than to him, and he can tell she's lost in thought.

_Liv, what's going on? What are you thinking about?_

A hitch in her throat, and she clears it before she begins to speak, closing her eyes out the window.

_Do you remember the first time we stayed on the phone all night?_

He wants to tell her no, because it's a habit to keep their conversations guarded, but as he breaths in and out slowly, he knows that being honest is what New Elliot is all about.

_Yeah. I do, it was winter._ And suddenly Elliot is lost in thought as he speaks, and he closes his eyes. _You had that pixie cut, it was starting to grow out by then and you had these half bangs. I remember it was the winter you had the thin green jacket, I remember thinking…. I remember wanting to always give you my coat because I didn't understand how you were warm. It was during the case where we had to dig through the cement in the basement, and I was upset because you didn't want to wear a mask to cover up the dust from the concrete._ He opens his eyes, and she's looking at him with tears brimming in her eyes.

She opens her mouth, and as the tip of her tongue touches her the bottom right part of her lip, she licks it and closes her mouth again. She's controlling her breathing, and Elliot wants to tell her that it's okay. He wants to hold her, to run his hands along her jawline and tell her that it's okay to talk about this now. He wants to assure her that he's growing, that they aren't partners in the precinct anymore and that his family is more than welcoming about her. He wants to assure her that they can grow together, they can move past the toxicity that held them at arm's length for more than a decade. Instead, he waits and watches her, he's really getting better at this whole patience thing and he feels a small swell in his chest from pride. Once they moved past these waters, and once he can tell her everything without her need to run, she'll be proud of him.

_Is that how you remember it?_ The question throws him off, and he must look as confused as he feels because she sighs and looks him dead on now.

_It was a family, a family torn apart by people who didn't understand what it actually meant to be a family. You made a connection to our victim, and that connection to our vic and her sister was what helped us solve the case._

Elliot nods slowly, unsure of what to say. Saved by the bell it seems, because her phone dings and she takes a glance at it. A small frown forming as she gets up, and her phone is now ringing.

_I've gotta go, sorry._ And she's out her chair, and out the door leaving Elliot and her coffee behind, as she answers her phone. Elliot sits, and sips on his coffee. This still wasn't where he wanted the conversation to go, but it's better than last time he thinks, and he watches the people outside.


	5. Breathing

Getting to know Olivia.

Disclaimer: Don't own, Dick Wolf does.  
Switching up our POV, and the timeline. I think it's time to see what Olivia has going on. I'm trying to write as fast as I can, but the more I push through from the beginning of the series, the more I find myself wondering if E/O was ever really going to happen for us. This story explores a lot of that, but I can tell you with certainty that this WILL end in E/O, because my own heart can't take it otherwise.

Again, no Beta so forgive my errors.

Chapter Text

Olivia wakes up, drenched in sweat and she doesn't recognize where she's at. She's panting, about to scream and as her throat starts to close up, she realizes she's sitting in the stupid accent chair in the stupid hotel room. She's pressed it as far away from the door as possible, it's against the wall on the corner, so that she only has to protect herself from one angle if anything happens.

As she controls her breathing and looks out the window. It's summer, and the sun is shining through the curtains, it both annoys and calms her. This is the only way she can sleep now, knowing there is daylight outside, knowing her surroundings are visible as soon as she wakes up.

Sitting on the floor now, and hugging her knees, she thinks back to the last few days and remembers that it's important to keep her feelings in check because she'll eventually have to talk to someone about this, she'll eventually have to pretend to be letting someone in just enough so that she can go back to work, back to normal.

She closes her eyes and thinks back to when she gave her statement, and her stomach turns the knots already there until it's almost physically painful. She remembers looking out into her squad room, wanting so much to be okay. Nick sneaks a quick glance in, but it's not who she's looking for. She remembers the nostalgic urge to see her old squad room, to see Elliot and suddenly she can't breathe. It's a quick panic, and she's back in full Benson mode when she thanks the detective and looks at her captain. She agrees to stay at Brian's because, well if she's honest with herself, because she can't be alone. She can't walk through that room and be the victim, can't move past this right this moment, she can't trust herself to keep the bottle at bay and she can't call Elliot. She. Won't. Call. Elliot.

And now she feels the tears on her face and can't help them as her breathing quickens and she is full on sobbing. This isn't who she is, this isn't who she wants to be. She gets up and grabs a pillow as she puts her face to it while she screams and sobs into it. This is not okay, she is **not **okay.

A while later, she settles down and washes her face before she grabs her keys and makes her way out of the hotel room. Even though she's staying with Brian, she took the hotel room. She wasn't sure she would need it, but it's become a ritual to come here and let her guard down. It's comforting and so she's not ready to let go. As she steps out into the bright sunny New York streets, she heads to Brains. It's been two weeks and she's already regaining control, she smiles as she slips her sunglasses on.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

As Brian holds her on the couch, his hands start to slip, and she can tell by his breathing that he's knocking out. She smiles, closes her eyes and tries to focus on his breathing so that she can get some sleep.

She's dreaming, she knows she is but in this moment she's content with this knowledge as she steps forward and presses her head to his, and she can almost smell him again. She wants to remember his blue eyes as they light up her world, but instead Elliot gives her that hooded look that tells her things are not okay. She wakes up, and it's Brian shifting on the couch, she goes to get up and he pulls her close, nestling his face into her neck. She closes her eyes and tries to remain calm, she wants to be happy or at least content, but she's not and she can't explain why.

As she closes her eyes again, she begins to drift into sleep and finds herself in the same dream. Again, as she presses her forehead to his, she wakes up and this time Brian isn't behind her but in the kitchen, she can hear him grabbing a bottle of water and she reminds herself that she needs to buy a filter, they can't keep consuming this much plastic. She read it in the magazine at the therapist's office, she wants to change her habits. At least, the easier ones she thinks as she smiles to herself. By the time she pulls herself up, Brian is watching her from the doorway.

_What?_ It comes out angrier than she intends, but before she can tell him this, he walks towards the bedroom and as he turns around he says, _You say his name_, in a whisper that feels like it's more a secret he doesn't want to admit.

This is the exact moment, and she tells herself this, so she can remember it clearly, this is the exact moment she vows to take therapy seriously. She's going to move past this. Suddenly, as she sits in the dark of her new apartment, she wants to move past everything. This isn't just about Elliot, or Lewis, this is about everything in her past that she's let drag her down. She can tell herself that it'll make her stronger, but at the end of the day she knows she's a strong person. Maybe the added weight isn't building her strength anymore, maybe it's actually hindering. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

She gets up from the couch and heads to the bedroom, Brian has his back turned to her and even if he wasn't asleep, he may as well be because they aren't going to talk. She gets under the covers and, as she closes her eyes, she goes to the necklace around her neck, and as she feels the emptiness there, she feels her eyes well up. She can move past this, she can move past everything and everyone.

EOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEOEO

They have a place together, although they found a place they could both afford, she made sure it was a place she could afford without him. Whether he knew it or not, again, Brian let her have it. That's what she finds most upsetting about him, and why she wonders if they will last. He pretends to look the other way on a lot, and she's beginning to wonder if he's really that naive or if he's feigning for her sake. She doesn't know which one upsets her more, but she feels it's the latter and then avoids the subject completely, both externally and internally.

They finally moved everything in, and they settled down. No more boxes around, no more going back. Both names on the lease, for the next six months anyway. She wonders if the building supervisor knew who she was, and she can't help but be annoyed with him as well. Of course, he knew, if it wasn't from her Tour de New York with the department, then it was the newspapers or for all she knows, it was Brian calling ahead. Whatever the situation, the lease had One Year scratched and Six Months in nasty blotchy ink, at least this situation was proving to finally be useful. She couldn't fight everyone who wanted to treat her like a victim, though it didn't stop her the first few weeks. She smiles back now, at every argument that she'd engaged in during her first weeks back. Half of those had no right being called arguments, but it didn't stop her from arguing, even if it was with herself half the time. Now, months later, she can move past most people who she assumes are treating her like a victim, not every food vendor in New York gives her free coffee because she was plastered all over the news, sometimes it's just food stands she's avoided running into during a chase. It was hard to admit, but therapy was actually helping.

She grabs her phone on the way to the bathroom, and she sends the message without really thinking about it. By the time she's fully aware, she's sitting on the toilet and looking down at the screen, little bubbles coming in as he types his reply. She gets up and goes to brush her teeth as a way to buy him more time. She doesn't understand why, Brian isn't home, he still has a few hours of babysitting duty at work before he can come home. She really does hope Tucker comes through for them. She rinses and walks out of the bathroom. She's got nothing to hide anyway, his text thread is fresh in her phone. Their older message were deleted long ago, or well, long enough ago she thinks. The magic of iPhones is that her threads came flooding in when she received a new one, including his. Everything backed up, and that included the things she hadn't been able to part with before. A few weeks after she'd started therapy, and started really letting it get to her, she'd finally deleted his thread. She had kept it to remind herself of why she wouldn't text him, why she couldn't let him get under her skin again. Not that he tried, even after the, she looks down at the phone before she crawls under the covers and shakes her head. She refuses to finish the thought and tries to remember that she's moving past this, past all of her hurt.

_I can see your bubbles, that's how iPhones work you know._

_I'm up._

She looks at the text, those little black letters in the little grey box and she finds it hard to breathe. Maybe she isn't as ready as she thought, and she turns the screen off. She wants Brian back, and she's mad at herself because she's just replacing one safety blanket, with another. She can do this she thinks, she has to be able to move on from him. She thought she had, when she first started seeing Brian seriously. She thought she was making progress, thought she could finally live without him. And then, she feels the tears welling up in her eyes, and then Lewis happened.

She grabs the pillow and starts to sob into it, she can tell she's having a panic attack and maybe a pillow isn't the safest thing to be slamming her mouth into, but here she is. She's sobbing so uncontrollably hard now, that every time she moves her face from the pillow, she can hear the harsh grasps for air and she wonders how that can possibly be her. She loses track of time, and feels her eyelids grow heavy as her breathing settles down, she's almost asleep when she begins to hiccup and chuckles at the situation. She tries to control the hiccups, and slow down her breathing, she doesn't notice when she finally falls asleep.


End file.
